Another day, another shake ... or two.
Aug. 31st, 2011 03:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rumpelsnorcackSo ... 3.30am wake up for no reason, 6.30am powercut and two decent sized quakes (4.0 and 4.8 within 15 minutes of each other) to wash it all down with. It all adds up to a really 'fun' day.
Anyway, in the middle of the twitter feed about the quakes came a link to this really good blog post. Anyone remember back when I was frustrated and fragile and didn't enjoy being called 'resilient'? Yeah, well this is the six months later, more angered than vulnerable, version of that feeling very eloquently expressed by Cheryl Bernstein. To refresh memories, this is what I actually said at the time:
I do have to say that I am thoroughly sick of being called strong and resilient. I don't feel either; I feel brittle and like I could still shatter at any moment, and while I know all the speechmakers were trying to make us feel good, all it does is make me go 'well, is everyone else doing better than me then?' I'm sure that's not the truth, but being told we're so strong, so stoic, so resilient etc etc just makes me feel like I'm not allowed to have the feelings I do have, like it's not part of these peoples' vision of us and thus needs to be done in private - like it's something to be ashamed of. This is not a helpful way to feel right now.
This idea that people here are 'tough' or 'stoic Southerners' is actually very damaging because it leads other people to think we don't need help - and it leads to that feeling that I expressed that we shouldn't need help and to feel like we can't ask for what we need. There has been a conference lately with mental health people all marvelling and gushing over the fact that we haven't had the amount of post-traumatic stress that they expected. They are putting it down to strong communities and help being given from the other half of the city etc etc, and to an extent I'm sure that's true. But I also think at least part of it is to do with the messages we were given at the start - stay strong for your kids, don't let them see you break down, you are tough, you are resilient etc etc. Those messages were extremely bad for me - at the time when I could have cried and dealt with all the stuff going on I forced myself to hold it in because 'the experts' said to and so when it came to a point where I wanted and needed to let it out I couldn't do it. I'd dammed it for so long that I couldn't un-dam. I still have these feelings of guilt whenever I think about taking up the free quake counselling on offer because I feel like I don't deserve it, that to admit I need to talk about it will somehow mean I am weak and not a proper 'strong' Cantabrian. Other people are worse off, they don't need the help so for me to want, need and ask for it is selfish given the level of my involvement compared to so many others. That is destructive - and I have made a pact with myself (and more importantly with some people on twitter who will harass me until I go through with it) to go along and get some help. Feel free to also harass me until I do it - the more people on my case the more likely I am to not chicken out and decide that I don't really need it because I'm 'strong' :D I do need it, I'm finally admitting that, and I need to get past the guilt and the mess about resilience etc etc. This blog post was very timely and helpful.
Another thing that blog did was to remind me of this guy's music which I had come across before but had forgotten. He is clearly very angry with what is going on and I find myself intrigued to hear the rest of what he has to say. I'm tempted to buy the music when he releases it all. However, I am very squeamish about the way he chose to attack our earthquake minister. Now, as most people will know, I really really dislike what he has done and his decisions and what he says and pretty much everything about the way he has handled this whole disaster. However, I vehemently disapprove of attacking him based on his weight (or on any other of his looks) and unfortunately the song about him is far too obsessed with size and not obsessed enough with the actual decisions he's been making. There are a couple of excellent lines in it, like 'I know I’m doing well, I’m feeling the love! The Christchurch Old Boys are my favourite club' (a reference to the old boys' network that has dominated Christchurch for years - where what school you went to, and thus who you know, is more important than talent, and of course how someone so intimately connected with that network is sure to 'feel the love' because they are sure to approve of what he has done since it has been in their favour for the most part), but in general it's a hateful rant about the way he looks. I feel like I can't possibly give money to someone who would do something like this, but I really want to hear things like 'It's grim out east' which I won't be able to do without giving him money. So arrrggghhhhh. I have issues.
On top of all these quakey issues I also have Doctor Who issues. I'm not going to go into detail right now because it's guaranteed to make me all grumpy about where characterisation is being taken in this season. But this is fair warning that this is likely to end in fic - I am having massive problems dealing with some of the problems I've been having with the episode and, as with The Pandorica Opens, I am feeling traumatised into working it out in fictional words. You have been warned - some sort of Rory and River-based fic is likely to eventuate sometime very soon!
Anyway, in the middle of the twitter feed about the quakes came a link to this really good blog post. Anyone remember back when I was frustrated and fragile and didn't enjoy being called 'resilient'? Yeah, well this is the six months later, more angered than vulnerable, version of that feeling very eloquently expressed by Cheryl Bernstein. To refresh memories, this is what I actually said at the time:
I do have to say that I am thoroughly sick of being called strong and resilient. I don't feel either; I feel brittle and like I could still shatter at any moment, and while I know all the speechmakers were trying to make us feel good, all it does is make me go 'well, is everyone else doing better than me then?' I'm sure that's not the truth, but being told we're so strong, so stoic, so resilient etc etc just makes me feel like I'm not allowed to have the feelings I do have, like it's not part of these peoples' vision of us and thus needs to be done in private - like it's something to be ashamed of. This is not a helpful way to feel right now.
This idea that people here are 'tough' or 'stoic Southerners' is actually very damaging because it leads other people to think we don't need help - and it leads to that feeling that I expressed that we shouldn't need help and to feel like we can't ask for what we need. There has been a conference lately with mental health people all marvelling and gushing over the fact that we haven't had the amount of post-traumatic stress that they expected. They are putting it down to strong communities and help being given from the other half of the city etc etc, and to an extent I'm sure that's true. But I also think at least part of it is to do with the messages we were given at the start - stay strong for your kids, don't let them see you break down, you are tough, you are resilient etc etc. Those messages were extremely bad for me - at the time when I could have cried and dealt with all the stuff going on I forced myself to hold it in because 'the experts' said to and so when it came to a point where I wanted and needed to let it out I couldn't do it. I'd dammed it for so long that I couldn't un-dam. I still have these feelings of guilt whenever I think about taking up the free quake counselling on offer because I feel like I don't deserve it, that to admit I need to talk about it will somehow mean I am weak and not a proper 'strong' Cantabrian. Other people are worse off, they don't need the help so for me to want, need and ask for it is selfish given the level of my involvement compared to so many others. That is destructive - and I have made a pact with myself (and more importantly with some people on twitter who will harass me until I go through with it) to go along and get some help. Feel free to also harass me until I do it - the more people on my case the more likely I am to not chicken out and decide that I don't really need it because I'm 'strong' :D I do need it, I'm finally admitting that, and I need to get past the guilt and the mess about resilience etc etc. This blog post was very timely and helpful.
Another thing that blog did was to remind me of this guy's music which I had come across before but had forgotten. He is clearly very angry with what is going on and I find myself intrigued to hear the rest of what he has to say. I'm tempted to buy the music when he releases it all. However, I am very squeamish about the way he chose to attack our earthquake minister. Now, as most people will know, I really really dislike what he has done and his decisions and what he says and pretty much everything about the way he has handled this whole disaster. However, I vehemently disapprove of attacking him based on his weight (or on any other of his looks) and unfortunately the song about him is far too obsessed with size and not obsessed enough with the actual decisions he's been making. There are a couple of excellent lines in it, like 'I know I’m doing well, I’m feeling the love! The Christchurch Old Boys are my favourite club' (a reference to the old boys' network that has dominated Christchurch for years - where what school you went to, and thus who you know, is more important than talent, and of course how someone so intimately connected with that network is sure to 'feel the love' because they are sure to approve of what he has done since it has been in their favour for the most part), but in general it's a hateful rant about the way he looks. I feel like I can't possibly give money to someone who would do something like this, but I really want to hear things like 'It's grim out east' which I won't be able to do without giving him money. So arrrggghhhhh. I have issues.
On top of all these quakey issues I also have Doctor Who issues. I'm not going to go into detail right now because it's guaranteed to make me all grumpy about where characterisation is being taken in this season. But this is fair warning that this is likely to end in fic - I am having massive problems dealing with some of the problems I've been having with the episode and, as with The Pandorica Opens, I am feeling traumatised into working it out in fictional words. You have been warned - some sort of Rory and River-based fic is likely to eventuate sometime very soon!