Another day, another shake ... or two.

[rumpelsnorcack]

So ... 3.30am wake up for no reason, 6.30am powercut and two decent sized quakes (4.0 and 4.8 within 15 minutes of each other) to wash it all down with. It all adds up to a really 'fun' day.

Anyway, in the middle of the twitter feed about the quakes came a link to this really good blog post. Anyone remember back when I was frustrated and fragile and didn't enjoy being called 'resilient'? Yeah, well this is the six months later, more angered than vulnerable, version of that feeling very eloquently expressed by Cheryl Bernstein. To refresh memories, this is what I actually said at the time:

I do have to say that I am thoroughly sick of being called strong and resilient. I don't feel either; I feel brittle and like I could still shatter at any moment, and while I know all the speechmakers were trying to make us feel good, all it does is make me go 'well, is everyone else doing better than me then?' I'm sure that's not the truth, but being told we're so strong, so stoic, so resilient etc etc just makes me feel like I'm not allowed to have the feelings I do have, like it's not part of these peoples' vision of us and thus needs to be done in private - like it's something to be ashamed of. This is not a helpful way to feel right now.

This idea that people here are 'tough' or 'stoic Southerners' is actually very damaging because it leads other people to think we don't need help - and it leads to that feeling that I expressed that we shouldn't need help and to feel like we can't ask for what we need. There has been a conference lately with mental health people all marvelling and gushing over the fact that we haven't had the amount of post-traumatic stress that they expected.  They are putting it down to strong communities and help being given from the other half of the city etc etc, and to an extent I'm sure that's true. But I also think at least part of it is to do with the messages we were given at the start - stay strong for your kids, don't let them see you break down, you are tough, you are resilient etc etc. Those messages were extremely bad for me - at the time when I could have cried and dealt with all the stuff going on I forced myself to hold it in because 'the experts' said to and so when it came to a point where I wanted and needed to let it out I couldn't do it. I'd dammed it for so long that I couldn't un-dam. I still have these feelings of guilt whenever I think about taking up the free quake counselling on offer because I feel like I don't deserve it, that to admit I need to talk about it will somehow mean I am weak and not a proper 'strong' Cantabrian. Other people are worse off, they don't need the help so for me to want, need and ask for it is selfish given the level of my involvement compared to so many others. That is destructive - and I have made a pact with myself (and more importantly with some people on twitter who will harass me until I go through with it) to go along and get some help. Feel free to also harass me until I do it - the more people on my case the more likely I am to not chicken out and decide that I don't really need it because I'm 'strong' :D I do need it, I'm finally admitting that, and I need to get past the guilt and the mess about resilience etc etc.  This blog post was very timely and helpful.

Another thing that blog did was to remind me of this guy's music which I had come across before but had forgotten. He is clearly very angry with what is going on and I find myself intrigued to hear the rest of what he has to say. I'm tempted to buy the music when he releases it all. However, I am very squeamish about the way he chose to attack our earthquake minister. Now, as most people will know, I really really dislike what he has done and his decisions and what he says and pretty much everything about the way he has handled this whole disaster. However, I vehemently disapprove of attacking him based on his weight (or on any other of his looks) and unfortunately the song about him is far too obsessed with size and not obsessed enough with the actual decisions he's been making.   There are a couple of excellent lines in it, like 'I know I’m doing well, I’m feeling the love! The Christchurch Old Boys are my favourite club' (a reference to the old boys' network that has dominated Christchurch for years - where what school you went to, and thus who you know, is more important than talent, and of course how someone so intimately connected with that network is sure to 'feel the love' because they are sure to approve of what he has done since it has been in their favour for the most part), but in general it's a hateful rant about the way he looks.  I feel like I can't possibly give money to someone who would do something like this, but I really want to hear things like 'It's grim out east' which I won't be able to do without giving him money.  So arrrggghhhhh.  I have issues.

On top of all these quakey issues I also have Doctor Who issues.  I'm not going to go into detail right now because it's guaranteed to make me all grumpy about where characterisation is being taken in this season.  But this is fair warning that this is likely to end in fic - I am having massive problems dealing with some of the problems I've been having with the episode and, as with The Pandorica Opens, I am feeling traumatised into working it out in fictional words.  You have been warned - some sort of Rory and River-based fic is likely to eventuate sometime very soon!

Comments

[zeborah]

<harass harass>

Also: fic!

[rumpelsnorcack]

Thank you :)

Also: fic!

Yes! Good things CAN come out of bad/annoying things - or so I tell myself anyway.

Warning: Spoilers for "Let's Go Kill Hitler" within this response

[gioiamia.livejournal.com]

First of all, kudos to you for being raw and blunt and honest about feeling broken and brittle. You're less likely to shatter the more you express (and exorcise) all of that, as you obviously know damn well, regardless of what "the experts" may have implied. ;) I say go take up the offer of earthquake counseling. Don't do it for yourself, it it helps you not to think of it that way. Do it for the people around you. You'll be a better mom-wife-friend-neighbor if you can do this. And judging by what you've written, you already know that. So this is just me agreeing with what the inner you seems to already be thinking: if the counseling is available, go get it. The truth is, these kinds of things won't be around forever. Go take advantage of it while you have the opportunity.

Regarding fandom: Are you pissed about Amy and Rory never getting to be parents to their baby? I hate the way this was done. Are we supposed to not feel like they lost their baby, because they grew up with her? After she was already half-grown? That's crap. I remember the mourning process I went through when my preemie was born and spent 5 weeks in the hospital after I was discharged. I raged against every second I was separate from her; every second I missed of her newborn life. How are we not supposed to be angry and grieved over Amy & Rory having their baby stolen away? They TOTALLY missed out on having a baby. They don't get to do first days of school, or showing her off to grandparents, or Christmas mornings, or first birthday pictures, or anything. WTH! NOTHING can make up for that loss.

There's my rant on the topic. ;-)

Re: Warning: Spoilers for "Let's Go Kill Hitler" within this response

[rumpelsnorcack.livejournal.com]

First of all, kudos to you for being raw and blunt and honest about feeling broken and brittle. You're less likely to shatter the more you express (and exorcise) all of that, as you obviously know damn well, regardless of what "the experts" may have implied.

Thank you :) Most of that needs to go to the me that was around in March, but the current me has worked out again that it's okay to be 'weak' and need help and is almost past the 'I don't deserve it as much as other people' thing.

The truth is, these kinds of things won't be around forever. Go take advantage of it while you have the opportunity.

This is very true and I do need to just go and do it. *steels self*

Regarding fandom: Are you pissed about Amy and Rory never getting to be parents to their baby?

This (and all the stuff you have here relating to it) is one part of what I have issues with. Again I won't go too much into details because then we'd end up with a novel, but there's that - no baby/family and what we do get is such a cheap joke version of 'parents' that it makes me shudder. Then we have the issues of how Rory could possible be friends with these two given the way they basically abuse him as a kid (and if Mels really was trying to get them together, why would she put that at risk the way she does? Makes NO sense), and the biggest issue I have is with River who went from being an amazing, self-directed person in love with the Doctor but not reliant on him and now ... now we have someone whose every single move is all as a satellite around him. Even her chosen career isn't because she wants to do it but all because she wants to find him. I just ... where's the agency for our females here? And Amy may not have been treated that way this episode but across this season she has been *sigh*

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I shall stop there because ... novel, lol.

Re: Warning: Spoilers for "Let's Go Kill Hitler" within this response

[zeborah]

Also plus and what we see of their childhood just doesn't fit into what we've previously known of Amelia's childhood. I've therefore decided to consider the whole episode as an amusing alternate history. (As a bonus, this conveniently avoids the need to completely rewrite my own fic.)

Re: Warning: Spoilers for "Let's Go Kill Hitler" within this response

[rumpelsnorcack.livejournal.com]

Yes, this is roughly where I am as well - only being who I am I have to try and fit it all together to be canon hence the fic which will probably explore ways in which alternate timelines (cracked universe and now currently uncracked universe) have created the mess I find myself confronted with across the two different seasons. My brain must make it all work together - and also make some sort of sense out of the terrible things being done to characterisation.

Re: Warning: Spoilers for "Let's Go Kill Hitler" within this response

[zeborah]

Ooh, sounds fantastic!

Re: Warning: Spoilers for "Let's Go Kill Hitler" within this response

[gioiamia.livejournal.com]

The thing about Rory being treated like crap - I totally see that and was wondering about it, too. :0D As a domineering woman myself, I know that is one thing that really bothers me - when I see someone treat their love interest/friend/future-love-interest with no respect, utterly deriding them and humiliating them, and then we're supposed to accept that there's an enduring love/friendship/romance there. I really struggle with that and the message it sends. And if it were a man in that role of treating the woman like crap, I think more people would scream.

Yet at the same time, as you pointed out, there's a weird message about River and her independence. I don't think it's quite as directed at River as you indicate, though. Look at ALL the side characters in the new series: Sarah Jane, Capt. Jack, Rose, post-Runaway-Bride Donna Noble. The general approach seems to be that if you want to see the Doctor or operate within his orbit, you need a job that attracts trouble.

Bottom line for me is that I agree with you that there are some very mixed messages a kid could pick up from these episodes. But I don't think it's all related only to sexism toward women. I'm reminded of what one of my theology professors said about the father of the Protestant Reformation, when I asked if it was true that Martin Luther was anti-semetic, "He's a non-discriminatory bigot: he was prejudiced toward everyone." ;-) I don't think it's that Moffat is deliberately *prejudice* toward anyone; I think he's just *careless* in his messages and potential stereotyping with everyone.

Re: Warning: Spoilers for "Let's Go Kill Hitler" within this response

[rumpelsnorcack.livejournal.com]

I absolutely agree this isn't directed only at River. I'm just particularly annoyed because she had appeared to not fit that mold, so to see her cut down in the same way is just depressing *sigh* I hope there is something else going on behind it and she becomes more autonomous as we get to meet later issue River and she develops.

And if it were a man in that role of treating the woman like crap, I think more people would scream.

Yes, and part of why I'm so annoyed by this is because I had defended the pairing against exactly that critique (i had thought I had good reason to do so). So I have a lot of issues to work out to get it to be how I need it to be to still love the pairing as I do.

Re: Warning: Spoilers for "Let's Go Kill Hitler" within this response

[gioiamia.livejournal.com]

to see her cut down in the same way is just depressing *sigh* 4
Okay, I TOTALLY can see that. Up until now, she has stood out because she acts so very different with the Doctor than any of his other companions. When has he ever tolerated all that "Sweetie" business? When has he ever been so flirty and playful? I adore, adore, adore Ten. But he was so broken by the end, that he wasn't able to be that way. And Nine was broken, too, in many ways. They both were flirty and playful with Rose, but not to this degree. And with Rose, there was a whole other subtext. River is a radically different person with him than any of his other companions. Just look at how she loves her guns! One of my favorite lines from her was during 01x01 or 01x02 when she made some remark like, "Don't tell my Sweetie about the gun - it makes him ever so cross." And then there's the remark she makes to the Dalek in the museum about checking their database for her, and THEN begging for mercy. (That line makes so much more sense when one considers that she is known as the Doctor's killer!) All of these things point to a very different kind of companion. So I definitely see why it would be disappointing to see her suddenly just as subjugated, in a way, as everyone else is to the Doctor.



I hope there is something else going on behind it and she becomes more autonomous as we get to meet later issue River and she develops.

I got to thinking about this today at work, actually. What struck me as different even before reading your comment was the fact that she chose ARCHAEOLOGY as a way to seek out trouble and thus find the Doctor. That's VERY different from how the others have done it. This is a more indirect route which implies that she's seeking out her own adventure, and if it happens to coincide with him - awesome. But if she was ONLY looking for him, she'd just show up at every disaster in history, like Rose and Donna were doing; like Jack tried to do; like Sarah Jane was sort-of doing.

That's my off-the-cuff thought, anyway!

Re: Warning: Spoilers for "Let's Go Kill Hitler" within this response

[promethia_tenk]

I'm just particularly annoyed because she had appeared to not fit that mold, so to see her cut down in the same way is just depressing *sigh* I hope there is something else going on behind it and she becomes more autonomous as we get to meet later issue River and she develops.
I've developed a theory on this too! Because, yeah, I think River's story is basically that the Doctor totally screwed up her life from the get-go and then she reassembled it and took it back for herself, and I do believe strongly that what we've seen is the beginning of that rather than the end. But I think the archaeology is actually part of the solution rather than more of the problem? Because her life was pretty inevitably always going to be tied up with the Doctor's. But knowledge is power, you know? It's like if the Doctor was a chronic illness (which he kind of is, a bit): ignoring your chronic illness is not going to free you from it. Far better to educate yourself and learn to manage it. Plus River, up to that point, had pretty much gotten nothing but propaganda (good and bad) about the Doctor from her kidnappers and from Amy (who, let's face it, can be a bit blind about him). So going to study archaeology to learn about him from the historical record is probably about as good a way as she could get to try to form an independent, objective opinion of him.

Re: Warning: Spoilers for "Let's Go Kill Hitler" within this response

[rumpelsnorcack.livejournal.com]

Okay, I like this :) I'm going to hang onto this as a way to deal with the issues I have with that whole plotline. *nods* thank you :)

Re: Warning: Spoilers for "Let's Go Kill Hitler" within this response

[promethia_tenk]

Yay \o/ We shall all get through this--one frustration at a time.

Re: Warning: Spoilers for "Let's Go Kill Hitler" within this response

[promethia_tenk]

(and if Mels really was trying to get them together, why would she put that at risk the way she does? Makes NO sense)
I've come up with a new theory that, no, Mels is not really supposed to be there, that she's a recent insert into Amy and Rory's history, and that her presence basically ended up messing up the relationship Amy and Rory were supposed to have (ie: with Rory being the one who believed and supported Amy). So that she ended up having to get her own parents together or risk un-existing herself. Basically, I think Mels/Melody is walking chaos and, again, time is gonna need to be rewritten because there's nothing about any of this that isn't wrong.

Re: Warning: Spoilers for "Let's Go Kill Hitler" within this response

[rumpelsnorcack.livejournal.com]

Yeah I suspect that this is where my fic will likely lead me. My problem still is that if she tries to get them together because of screwing up the timeline, then why on earth did she do so much to make Rory so badly treated by Amelia? It's quite a gamble that he would still like and appreciate her after the way the two girls are with him when they are small. It still doesn't make sense to me, and thus I still need to commit fic :D

Re: Warning: Spoilers for "Let's Go Kill Hitler" within this response

[promethia_tenk]

I was wondering what you'd think of how Rory was shown in those flashbacks--it all seemed pretty glib to me (the tone of the show). Although the tone of the whole episode about everything seemed too glib to me, which is why I keep telling myself not to pay it too much attention til we've seen the whole season :-\ Ah well, I'll look forward to any and all fic!

And Mels . . . she may have gone to all this trouble to track down her parents, but she also showed no signs of caring when they were dying just feet away from her . . . or of caring about much of anything at all . . . or of really being able to attach meaning to anything. Amy brings up on two separate occasions that she doesn't make sense, and I'm inclined to agree. It's not like "Melody is a little troubled and acting out;" it's like "Melody's head has been half hollowed out by mind-wiping aliens," which is a big reason why I think they have to go for rewriting time rather than this just being a straightforward redemption narrative--I have a very hard time seeing how River could rebuild herself from the state she was shown in here. Yeah, hugely frustrating episode all around.

[lorelaisquared.livejournal.com]

*hugs* You already know my opinion on this, but I'll say it again if it will help you go... You have as much a right to that counseling as anyone else. It doesn't matter that your experience is different than others - that does NOT make it less. If you feel you need it to get healthy then you need it. PERIOD. This does not make you a weak person. This does not make you a bad person. You are not taking it from someone in need because YOU are in need. This sort of thing affects different people in different ways. Just because your wounds are not as visible as others does not mean they are any less valid.

And I fully support and DW Fic related therapy you fee the need to do. ESPECIALLY if it involves Rory and/or River! *g*

[rumpelsnorcack.livejournal.com]

Thank you :) It's hard to shed the guilt and/or the worry that they will be all 'but why are you here when you clearly are fine, go away' but I have decided to just do it even if just to be told that I'm fine because that is probably useful information in its own right, heh.

*hugs you*

[lorelaisquared.livejournal.com]

Yes, but you can't let the guilt or worry stop you. There are a lot of things you've been holding onto for nearly a year now and it's okay to need help to work through those things. I'm so glad that you are going to go. I'm going to start pestering you until you call and make that appointment (which you are going to do tomorrow right?)

*hugs*

[rumpelsnorcack.livejournal.com]

Awww thanks :) And yes, tomorrow. I will at least figure out who it is I have to contact.

[lorelaisquared.livejournal.com]

Good! I shall hold you to that. :P

[gioiamia.livejournal.com]

Me, too!

[sea_thoughts]

*hug*

If you want to write Rory and River fic, I look forward to that.

[rumpelsnorcack.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

I have another fic I need to finish first (as in it's already late, whoops) but after that I am totally on this.

[promethia_tenk]

Get thee to counseling, or I'll . . . ! Well, threats are pretty much useless here, but you should go anyway. YOU KNOW talking does you good. THEY HAVE PROFESSIONAL LISTENERS! *hugs*

Doctor Who: I'm coming to dread the week after a Steven Moffat episode airs--it's too much all at once. I intend to be spoiled for the finale so that I can prepare ahead of time.

I'm in a weird position of both feeling that this episode deserves every criticism you could aim at it (almost) and yet also suddenly feeling far more positive about where all this is going (although it took me a few days). Basically, after AGMGTW it was like "what's happened?!?! IT'S ALL GONE WRONG!" and now I'm starting to see how it can be fixed and am actually pretty confident that that's what's going to happen. Because the thing is, I think, that we're actually in a horror story (which was pretty apparent in TIA/DotM, from the tone of it all). It's a horror story about the effects of the Doctor's power and reputation, and Moffat wants to tell it in order to find a way to resolve the problems in it (which he's said in interviews--he's looking to fix the problem that the Doctor's reputation has become). The Pond family are the subjects of this horror story and LKH is the low point of it. And the thing is, it's information that we need to know in order to get to our resolution (we need to see how bad it can get), but if you actually stop to think too long about what's going on here it's utterly horrible--waaaaaaay too dark for family tea time television. Which is why I think we have the COMPLETELY INSANE tone of this episode: it's meant to skate you through the worst revelations in a state of shock and bemusement so we can get on to the fixing things (this time last year Rory was DEAD and EATEN, so we're far from done here).

I am frankly really put out at how sidelined Amy and Rory were in this episode (and will be VEEEEEERRRY interested to see how their loosing their baby will be handled for the rest of the season), but I'm actually now rather intrigued with what I think Moff is doing with River, which is something like Jekyll and Hyde with dual timelines, and we've just seen the Hyde. Basically I think to get her to accept her programming the Silence had to more or less hollow her out, which is why, while it's nice that she was able to break that programming, the real solution (to her brainwashing, to Amy and Rory losing their baby, to the Doctor being killed by the astronaut, and to the problem of the Doctor's big bad reputation that set all this off) will be time being rewritten in such a way that knowledge of the Doctor is basically erased from history, which would mean Kovarian and Co. would have no reason to steal a baby to take him down, which would mean an intact Pond family, which would mean Melody growing up with a normal, non-brainwashed childhood (albeit with the memories and knowledge and skills to be a fighter), which would mean the Doctor living on and not being this big figure of fear throughout the galaxy and someone who screws up all his companion's lives (as he worried about in the episode).

Bleah--sorry for the epic ramble /o\ I would in no way stop anybody from fuming about what's going on on the show right now (or from writing Rory + River fix it fic!!!), but I thought you'd be interested to know why I'm suddenly feeling a whole lot more confident about this season. If I can settle anybody's mind a bit, I really want to be able too, because this episode threw me for a bad loop, as I think it did a lot of us.

[rumpelsnorcack.livejournal.com]

Get thee to counseling, or I'll . . . ! Well, threats are pretty much useless here, but you should go anyway. YOU KNOW talking does you good. THEY HAVE PROFESSIONAL LISTENERS! *hugs*

Haha, this is true. I need a professional listener/talk-backer because talking into a void (ala my only other experience with counseling) does me approximately 0 good. However, I have a few places to try til I find the right one. It will happen.

Doctor Who stuffs:

Yeah, I do see what you mean. I am conflicted as well in that on one hand I loved the episode - it was fun and silly and had funny lines and was an enjoyable hour, but thinking about it makes my head grumble. Your thoughts are much appreciated and I am clinging to them as to a raft in a sea of bad thoughts. Yes, Rory was dead and all looked pretty bloody bleak last season so you're right - we're not done with this yet. *thinks calming, centering thoughts*

[promethia_tenk]

I wish you much luck on your search, and hope it will prove worthwhile : )

I am conflicted as well in that on one hand I loved the episode - it was fun and silly and had funny lines and was an enjoyable hour, but thinking about it makes my head grumble.
Oh, god, this! I think I was watching with one half of my brain going "WHHHEEEEEE! Isn't this so much FUN!?!?" and the other half going "I. Hate. EVERYTHING." Weirdest viewing experience ever :-\

*thinks calming, centering thoughts*
*sends soothing rays*

[rumpelsnorcack.livejournal.com]

I'm hoping it will prove fruitful as well. We'll see - things are underway so that's a start :)

Yes that weird mixture of love and hate was very disconcerting. I am coming to terms with it a bit more now but there's still this dissonance that I need to deal with.